What it Feels Like to Not Find What You're Looking For

I have a simple request: I want to write on the wall in the shower.

Why is that so hard?

Anyway, I figured out how. This is America. I can buy it somewhere. But that's not what this is about.

When you have something in your head–you know it exist, you know you've seen it before–and you decide to begin the search for it, you really put your mind to it.

When your mind is on it, you feel great. You feel so focused. You feel like you've never been more resourceful and successful in your entire life, no matter how many times you've dreamed of something and then looked for that something.

All of your energy is pounding ideas through your brain; creative, insightful ways to execute your goal that you can't fathom in day-to-day life.

Your spirits build. You look forward to your triumphant assent to attainment and the gratification that you'll feel having gotten your prize.

You've even invented new ways of doing things that you didn't use before; that you may not use again. You picked up a phone book. You visited the one Asian imports store at the mall that no one ever visits except for rich neardy kids with money to blow on ninja weapons. You finally went into an antique store. You found a way to organize your resourcefulness with better email accounts or simple software.

You found out that other people are doing the same thing you are. They're looking for something.

But you don't find it.

It feels like the time your significant other told you they're going to leave you because they want to. It feels like that because you liken it to that.

You feel lost, hopeless and try to forget about it. You can't remember why you were looking for it in the first place. You just know that it would be a cool thing to have. You got obsessed with finding it and you forgot about the purpose of finding it.

You feel effort without a purpose. And it hurts, maybe not as much as it did when you gave in, but it hurts.

Then, you get in the shower the next morning. You look at the blank walls and you want to fill them up with words.

You invent a new way to look for that magic item. You find it.

You forget about the arc of feelings you had in your un-focused research and you feel better about yourself and your reflection.