So far, this year, I've spent most of my time pursing everything I loved when I was younger. I'm using film cameras in stead of digital, I'm writing about whatever I want, however I want, I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not making resolutions, I'm working on getting to a place I've never heard of and I'm scribbling my dreams down in a notebook that, maybe, no one will ever see.
And I've pieced together chunks of myself that I thought had seeped away from me like a high school lover discovering how much fun sex with everyone else is.
I've been filling my life with less and less banal minutia and more and more meaningful activities that will determine the path of my unplanned life.
Number one: using a film camera. 35mm that is. Have you ever tried it? Do you know how to develop film? It takes a long time. It can be cheaper. It feels like it means something. It feels like you're creating something.
Not to dismiss digital photography, but, this 22 year old doesn't want it. The age of point and shoot needs to end. Care and professionalism need to make their comeback; and, I know, what a hypocrite for blogging about it, of all things.
Number two: no money, yet again, and life couldn't be sweeter. Of all the countries I've been too, all the shallows I've managed to climb into for rest, choosing scraping over indulgence will always be better than never knowing the former.
I live fine. I have a computer, internet access, food and knowledge, instruments, time, gas and places to be. But, using the places I need to be as apexes of my time; a good hotdog as a climax higher than a genital orgasm, makes me feel more human than anyone I know with a Range Rover and a girlfriend.
Lastly, number three: I remember my dreams again. Not just the real life dreams about how bad I want to be a fireman-astronaut-superman-batman-war-hero, but actual dreams that are as arbitrary as language, but as important to me as any loved one.
Any time I wake up in a cold sweat from a ageless nightmare, I feel real. I feel capable. I feel like life was sucked out of me be red lips softer than rabbits ears then forced back into me by a shotgun, full of all the fear, doubt, anger and lust left in the tiny corners of my mind.
And I love it.
2009 will be nirvana.
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2 comments:
i love this post. i'm thinking more and more about how my spoiled lifestyle(though not spoiled compared to most) is leaving me feeling empty half the time. i want to create more, read more, do more, see more, feel more. i'm ready for it.
this is really good.
your perspective is the interrupting peeling of an orange in a stagnant and dry classroom.
it makes your mouth water.
you make me want to live.
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